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Pre-Crime Consulting

I tell you it’s a bad idea before the judge does.

Don't commit a felony until you've had a feasibility study. I review your heist plans, alibis, and getaway routes. If it’s stupid, I’ll tell you. (Spoiler: It’s usually stupid.)

Why Hire Me?

  • Risk Assessment: I calculate the exact probability of you tripping over a laser grid.
  • Wardrobe Consulting: I ensure your disguise doesn't make you look like a traffic cone.
  • Reality Checks: I remind you that real life is not Ocean's Eleven.
  • Digital Footprint Analysis: I ensure you don't tweet your crime while you're doing it.
  • Crew Optimization: I identify which of your friends will talk to the feds first.

Current Status: Not currently accepting clients who believe the Earth is flat (it complicates the maps) or payment in stolen iPhones that are iCloud locked.