Terms of Service

Last Updated: Before the Feds got here.

1. The "I Was Never Here" Clause

All consultations are theoretical. If you get caught, I do not know you. If you mention my name in an interrogation room, I will sue you for defamation while you are in prison.

2. The "One Phone Call" Policy

If you are arrested, you are legally entitled to one phone call. Do not call me. I will not answer.

3. No Refunds

Refunds are not issued if you ignore my advice and wear the neon ski mask anyway.

Signed, The Consultant