Our Services

The "Mask & Fit" Audit

You want to wear a neon green ski mask to a night robbery? Let’s workshop that. I’ll review your attire for visibility, DNA shedding potential, and general ridiculousness. Includes a mandatory "Cover Your Neck" seminar for people with distinctive tattoos who think a bandana is enough.

I calculate the exact odds of you live-streaming your own arrest. If you have TikTok installed on your burner phone, I charge double. If you have posted "Big moves coming soon 🤫💰" in the last 24 hours, I am already calling your parole officer.

The "Getaway" Reality Check

You plan to outrun a helicopter in a 2004 Honda Odyssey with a slipping transmission and a check engine light? I’ll run the numbers. The numbers say "No." Service includes a "Fill The Tank" reminder text sent 15 minutes before departure.

Alibi Stress Testing

I sit in a chair and ask, "Where were you?" for three hours. If you cry, you aren't ready for the precinct. Advanced tier: I check your Google Maps timeline history while you explain why you were definitely "at the movies".

The "Lyrics Review" Service

Thinking of dropping a mixtape detailing exactly who you shot, where, and with what caliber weapon? I will read your lyrics and highlight everything that is admissible in court. (Spoiler: It's the whole song).

The "Cousin Ray-Ray" Vetting

Every crew has a weak link. Usually, it's your cousin who owes money to three different loan sharks and just bought a PS5 despite being "unemployed". I identify him so you can leave him at home.

Asset Liquidation Consulting

So you stole a pallet of iPhones? Do you have a plan to sell them? Or are you just going to turn them on in your garage and wait for the SWAT team? I explain "IMEI blocking" and "Find My" tracking using colorful puppets.