Our Services

The "Mask & Fit" Audit

You want to wear a neon green ski mask to a night robbery? Let’s workshop that. I’ll review your attire for visibility, DNA shedding potential, and general ridiculousness.

The Social Media Scrub

I calculate the exact odds of you live-streaming your own arrest. If you have TikTok installed on your burner phone, I charge double.

The "Getaway" Reality Check

You plan to outrun a helicopter in a 2004 Honda Odyssey with a slipping transmission? I’ll run the numbers. The numbers say "No."

Alibi Stress Testing

I sit in a chair and ask, "Where were you?" for three hours. If you cry, you aren't ready for the precinct.